Kira's Magic School Bus
by KivaEmber
Summary: Crack oneshot series. 2nd Oneshot: Garden: Raito battles the Mole over who would rule the garden. L just sits back and watches – and reaps the reward of consoling a distraught OCD!Raito afterwards.
1. 1st Oneshot: Sombrero

**Title: **Kira's Magic School Bus

**Rating: **T

**Pairings: **Crackish pairings, they'll change every chappie probably.

**Disclaimer: **Me no own, 'cept my craaaaazy ideas.

**Summary: **Collection of crackish oneshots. 1st Oneshot: Sombrero: After much contemplation, Raito decided that he didn't want to know where the sombrero came from. Implied LxRaito.

**A/N: **Never let me and Michelle come near Microsoft Word after hours of surfing the net and seeing Raito in a sombrero -.-; bad things happen to good people.

Well, enjoy! None of these will ever make sense…

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"_No, in fact, you'll _never_ see daylight _again_! Because by the time your punishment is over, the sun would have burnt out and collapsed into itself as a black hole. And the only remnants of mankind left would be stuck on a small rusty spaceship with nothing but the cold deep silence of space slowly driving them mad!"_

"_I think she's halfway there."_

_-- Suite Life of Zack and Cody_

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**1****st**** ONESHOT: SOMBRERO**

There was a delicate cosmic balance that The Forces That Be had to maintain for the good of all Bishonen kind, to keep all plot devices relative to the original storyline, to keep fangirls on the edge of their seats, chewing at their fingernails in anticipation as the writers and artists threw in subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) yaoi hints to reel in more viewers/readers, and to create fillers whose sole purpose was to antagonize said fangirls as punishment for their wicked thoughts on homosexuality.

This balance was then threatened by the rise of an evil being called Fanfiction, allied with Fanart, and fought against The Forces That Be to cater to the fangirls' desire for explicit sex scenes involving their favourite male pairings. At first, the evil was too weak against the bright, _clean_ The Forces That Be, but through the quick power of the internet, corrupting Gay Erotica and the growing population of gay guys leaping out of their closets, Fanfiction and Fanart soon became the leading power throughout the Universe.

This caused the balance to completely implode on itself, and thus resulted in a swarm of OOC syndrome, poor plotlines, gaping holes in the space time continuum and exposed penises. Now that The Forces That Be had been defeated, never to be seen again, Bishonen were now fair game to the fangirls.

Bishonen, for example, that belonged to the Death Note fandom in Sector 69 of The Universe.

**X.x.X**

Raito gained many odd looks from passerbys, but, quite frankly, he really didn't care. He carried a strange aura of dignity despite his apparel, and ignored the grating 'hyuk's from his Shinigami companion, who, for the Powers That Exist demanded it, was in his sexy Bishonen form from his original concept design.

(It was decided that if the creators followed Ryuuku's original concept and made him into a sexy bishonen, the RyuukuxRaito pairing, not the more canon LxRaito pairing, would rule the DN fandom, and everybody would be focusing on Ryuuku's tight leather pants rather than the storyline – therefore, they made Ryuuku into an ugly, but loveable Ronald MacDonald descendant)

Raito frowned, resisting the urge to scratch his face and adjusted the sombrero on his head gingerly instead. Any second now, the plot should be moving along with the appearance of Ray Penber and thus allow Raito his greatest achievement yet of killing off twelve secret agents without having to lift a finger. But, it seemed that Ray Penber was running a little late.

Ryuuku was getting bored too. "Eh. Since we're just killing time here…where'd you get the sombrero anyway?"

Raito shot a look at his Shinigami companion; crossing his arms under his poncho and slouching further down the wall. "Well…"

"_Huh…?"_

_Raito sat up, blinking fuzzily from the couch he was previously sprawled on. It took a few minutes longer for his genius mind to remember what had happened, and why his head felt very much like an elephant had sat on it. He groaned, rubbing at his bloodshot eyes and went to run a hand through his hair, damning his lapse in judgement. Why, oh why did he allow his fanatical fangirls to drag him to a High School Party of all things? It was obvious that the water was going to be spiked (punch was just so cliché nowadays)._

_His hand hit something. "What the…?" He grasped the brim of the object resting on his head and pulled it off, blinking at the wide brimmed hat in his hand. "Where the Hell did this come from?"_

_After much contemplation, he decided that he'd rather not know. _

_Something else caught Raito's eye._

"_Oh, come on!" The young genius shouted, wincing when it caused his headache to throb painfully. He heard a groan somewhere behind the couch, alerting him to another poor soul's semi conscious presence, and plucked angrily at the only article of…clothing that was protecting his decency. "Where the hell did a grass skirt come from!?"_

_He squinted when his blurred eyes caught messy writing on his chest. It took a few moments of mangled translations, but finally, after a while, he deciphered the mysterious scrawl upon his skin._

"_LxRaito…?"_

"…I won it at a fair." Raito lied after a lengthy pause, still rueing that day.

Ryuuku didn't seem very convinced. "…Right."

"Oh look!" Raito suddenly exclaimed, pointing at a familiar man marching stiffly through the crowds. "It's our plot device!" He gave a dramatic pause, schooling his face into an evil expression of triumphant glee. "Just as planned!" He giggled, only Ryuuku's not too discreet cough bringing him out of his childish moment. "Oh. Oh! Commence obsessive shadowing!"

"I think the only reason he's interesting…is because he is insane." Ryuuku decided as he followed his Mexican clad human, munching on an apple that he had snatched out of a tiny plot hole behind a Spike cosplayer, wondering just _why_ Raito felt it would be prudent to dress up as the stereotypical Mexican.

He guessed it was a genius thing.

**X.x.X**

"See, there." L intoned, pointing at Ray's twisted form on the train's platform. "Doesn't it seem like he is trying to look into the train?" The twenty four year old man lapped at his ice cream, smirking to himself in triumph. "Wouldn't it be odd if Kira was on that train?"

Matsuda squinted at the blurry tape. "Wait…I think I see something near the door."

"Yeah…" Aizawa joined his fellow policeman, prodding at the screen. "I think that's a brim of a sombrero."

"Maybe he though it was odd that there was a Mexican on the train." Matsuda shrugged.

"That's prejudice!" Aizawa gasped, stepping away from the young officer in horror as if he'd be struck down just being in Matsuda's presence. "Just because someone is wearing a sombrero doesn't mean they're Mexican!"

"What it means!" L interrupted snappishly, throwing his ice cream at Aizawa's afro and staring when the hair entity devoured it whole. "…What…it means!" L repeated, omitting that moment from his memory to be pursued later. "Is that Kira…" He paused for dramatic effect. "Is in possession of a sombrero!"

Soichirou, covertly feeding The Afro (as the Task Force had come to know the entity that lived on Aizawa's head) his ice cream, blinked down at the scruffy detective. "What are you trying to say, Ryuuzaki?"

"Didn't you say before, Yagami-san…" L murmured pensively, biting on his thumb as his mind wandered to the many pictures he acquired of a certain high school student from Ray Penber before his untimely death. "That your son had a sombrero?"

"Yes…" Soichirou agreed, looking down in confusion at the other man. "He got it at a high school party. Why?"

L just hummed, mind wondering on how to get more pictures of one Yagami Raito. "No reason…"

A lightbulb of Perverted Ideas dinged.

"We need to install cameras into the homes of the people Ray Penber was investigating!"

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**A/N: **That's one way the whole Ray Penber thing could've happened… -.-;

Well, hope y'all enjoyed!! (Laughs nervously)


	2. 2nd Oneshot: Garden

**Title: **Kira's Magic School Bus

**Pairing: **LxRaito

**Rating: **T+ (bordering on an M)

**Disclaimer: **Fly outta the sun!

**Warnings: **AU, Crack, plot holes, homosexual themes, (attempted) cruelty to animals, parody, bad humour, misuse of garden tools, shameless exploitation of the Death Note characters for my own amusement…

**Summary: **Crack oneshot series. 2nd Oneshot: Garden: Raito battles the Mole over who would rule the garden. L just sits back and watches – and reaps the reward of consoling a distraught OCD!Raito afterwards.

**Word Count: **

**A/N: **An idea Mika tossed to me when talking about how her father fought a battle against a mole that kept ruining his garden. We decided that this must be written as a response XD The hilarious apron idea can wait for the next one :D

Well, enjoy! And Happy New Years people!

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"_Well, what do you know? There _is_ a bad Alan."_

_--- Charlie, Two and a Half Men_

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**2****nd**** ONESHOT: GARDEN**

"GODDAMMIT!!! I HATE THAT FUCKING MOLE!!!!"

Before, birds would explode out of their nests at the sound of the indignant feminine shriek and take to the skies with panicked chirping, fleeing the immediate scene just as Raito would storm into the garden brandishing a garden hose or a rake or some other innocent gardening tool violently. Now, however, the birds would just give a rather disgruntled trill and tuck their heads back under their wing with the air of someone long used to their irritatingly loud neighbour.

L himself normally wouldn't mind Raito screaming loud enough to dislodge birds out of their nests, that is, if they were in bed and L had just hit that little _spot_ inside of his rather OCD lover and Raito would mewl and squirm and-

"L!!! STOP THINKING PERVERTED THINGS ABOUT ME AND _HELP_!!!"

But of course _that_ wasn't a scream of raw passion. It was Raito displaying his womanly wrath to his immortal enemy and howling out a battle cry designed to deafen and terrify. It certainly worked on the deafening apartment, but the terrifying part only worked on straight men that were low browed by their mothers/wives during their lives.

Not moles.

"_**L!!!!**_"

"I'm coming, I'm coming…" L mumbled under his breath, wrenching himself out of his computer chair and padding slowly towards their patio.

He entered to the same scene as he did every morning. A previously immaculate garden ruined by giant mounds of earth scattered across the verdant lawn, and an enraged Raito glowering at L as if _he_ was the one to go down to the garden in the middle of the night and dig holes just to vex him.

(Though as the days went by, that was beginning to get tempting enough to actually execute…but L would only do it once the mole was vanquished and no one else was able to take over as Raito's top pet peeve)

"Look! _Look_!" Raito swept an arm towards the garden, mocha eyes flashing dangerously. "Look what that irritating _pest_ did to _my_ garden!"

L rubbed his ankle with the heel of his foot, blinking owlishly at the devastation before him and shrugged. "I see it."

"This is starting to get fucking annoying!!" Raito roared, wheeling round to face the garden and pointed at one of the mole hills protruding from the grass. "I've had enough of this! You won't live past today, MOLE!!!"

With a sigh, L shuffled back indoors in search for his morning cake to weather through the ritual of Mole Extermination. "Raito-kun's Kira tendencies are surfacing again…" He called out tauntingly before he passed the patio doors, hearing his incensed lover give a very feline-esque hiss.

"Don't push me today, L!" Raito snarled, storming inside and going towards the closet which housed all sorts of dangerous and sharp implements purchased for the sole purpose of killing the Mole. "Or I swear I will write your name down!"

L raised his eyes heavenward as he bent down to rummage about in their fridge for cake, wriggling his rump a little as he felt Raito brush past him. "Raito-kun has forgotten that I have confiscated his Death Note."

The detective yelped and straightened up when a sharp stinging sensation whipped across his backside and hurriedly turned round, giving a smugly smirking Raito a irritated glare. "Kira-kun." He warned lowly.

Raito tossed the twisted damp towel aside and gave a flirtatious smile. "Oh, I'm sure I can _persuade_ you to tell me where it is." He fluttered his eyelashes then paused thoughtfully. "…Would the Death Note work on moles?"

Ryuuku chose that moment to phase through the kitchen wall, zipping towards the counter laden with the daily offering of apples mounted on a picturesque fruit bowl, wheezy laughter erupting from his grotesquely grinning mouth. "APPLES!!!!"

"Ask your Shinigami, Raito-kun." L grumbled, feeling slightly cranky as his blood sugar levels were disastrously low. He ignored his lover's contemptuous 'huh!' and turned around to resume his search in the fridge, wincing at the apple massacre their unwanted Shinigami house guest was leading.

Poor apples.

**X.x.X**

After an hour of throwing a temper tantrum at the detail that the Death Note did not work on animals due to the fact that they did not have names, and weren't human, L was stuck with the pouting ex-Kira sitting cross-legged on the edge of their patio, glaring venomously at the mini army of molehills swallowing his garden.

L thought that at this point, he should at least _attempt_ to be a loving boyfriend and comfort his deranged serial killer of a lover before a whole prison of criminals died in gory and horrible fashions. "There, there, Raito-kun…" He soothed gently, placing a hand on the small of the auburn haired genius's back and rubbing calming circles through the pristine white shirt. "I'm sure you will defeat the Mole one day."

Raito sighed, turning away from his destroyed garden to give his sweet obsessed lover a tired smile. "Thanks, L…"

"Hopefully _before_ you achieve your impossible dream of becoming God, Raito-kun. Because it would be extremely embarrassing to admit to your minions that, even though you can kill a whole nation of people in one night with only a name and a face, you are bested by one mole."

Raito's expression immediately soured, the mass murderer glaring flatly at the wild haired detective with mild disdain. "_Thank you_, L."

"Of course, no one can blame you for being utterly thwarted by a mole. They're elusive and dangerous creatures after all."

With a growl, Raito slapped the heel of his palm over the detective's mouth and exhaled heavily, amber eyes twitching irritably. "_Stop_. Psychotic boyfriend, L. Psychotic boyfriend."

L merely blinked owlishly in reply.

Raito snorted and moved his hand away from the other's mouth, returning his narrowed glare to the mass of molehills littering the otherwise perfect lawn. "And this psychotic boyfriend will destroy this mole. So, when I finally rule my new world as God, I can proudly say I vanquished _all_ my enemies!"

Amused beyond belief, L could only shake his head. "You will tell your loyal subjects with pride that it took all of your power to kill a _mole_?"

"Of course not." Raito scoffed, waving a hand. "If asked, I'll make up a story about it being a giant or something. Now!" He abruptly stood, placing his hands on his hips and schooling his expression into one of determination. "Go and eat your cake L! By tomorrow, I will finally have that Mole hung, drawn and quartered! Or…dressed up as an apple so Ryuuku will eat him! Either way works!"

L silently wondered just _when_ Raito had lost his sanity – if he had any to begin with.

**X.x.X**

L woke up the next morning with a dejected Raito smudged with mud and grass stains curled up on the edge of their bed, occasionally sniffling and pouting at the wall with the look of a neglected and abused puppy. It was almost pitiful how the self proclaimed God had lost this much composure over something as silly as a Mole wreaking his lawn (after all, the mole would soon go into hibernation because winter was near), but Raito was obsessed with perfection and had many, unidentifiable mental illnesses festering inside his crazy, fucked up mind.

But, Raito's craziness was one of the reasons why he loved him.

Crazy people were fun.

Slightly groggy, L rolled over and slung an arm over his muddy and dishevelled lover, nuzzling the back of the auburn haired genius's neck. "You lost against the mole, didn't you, Raito-kun?"

Raito nodded sadly, curling into an even tighter ball. "Uh huh…"

"Poor baby." L cooed gently, smirking against the nape of Raito's neck as he tapped the mass murderer's arm. "Don't worry, Raito-kun, I won't tell anyone that the great Kira lost to a rodent. I am not sure about Ryuuku, however."

As if summoned, the Shinigami floated through, took one look at Raito, and abruptly burst into laughter. "Kehehehehehhehh!!! So, the Mole vanquisher is hiding behind his man's leg, eh?! Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

With an inhuman snarl, Raito wriggled out of the detective's grasp and viciously threw the alarm clock at the cackling Shinigami, giving an angry screech of rage when the contraption merely went _through_ the creature's body and smashed into itty bitty pieces against the wall. "Goddammit!!! _Nothing_ is going the way I want it to!!!"

L sighed, rolling onto his back and throwing an arm over his eyes. "Stop whining, Kira-kun, it's highly unappealing."

"Shut up, L!" Raito hissed, whirling round and looming over the slighter man's body ominously, a dark aura seemingly swallowing up the morning light filtering through the window. "No button pushing today!"

"None?" L asked pleasantly, not at all concerned by the crimson eyed demon towering over him.

"None!" Raito flailed. "None at _all_!!! I'm fucking _annoyed_! I'm psychotic and aaargh! I wanna kill something! Preferably the Mole!"

"I'm sorry, Raito-kun." L sighed solemnly. "But Moles are Kira-proof."

"Shut. _It_." Raito hissed viciously, before whirling around sharply to snarl at the Shinigami. "Don't say anything. Nothing at _all_. I'm going to finish this once and for all!"

L sighed as his psychotic lover stormed out of the room and lethargically rolled out of bed, running pale fingers through his hair and sharing an amused look with the Shinigami. "Poor Raito-kun, being driven insane by a small rodent..."

"Hyuk hyuk hyuk!" Ryuuku wheezed amusedly, floating towards the open door where violent sounds were emitting from. "Amusing to watch though, hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

And this was one of the few times L agreed with their unwanted houseguest. "Indeed."

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**A/N: **Oh my God! (Swerves car violently) THERE ARE GAPING PLOT HOLES _**EVERYWHERE**_!!!!!

Hope y'all enjoyed! :D


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